A Safe, Stable, Nurturing Relationship (SSNR) is the #1 way to prevent toxic stress.
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, "For children to fulfill their biological potential, parents and caregivers — as well as grandparents, extended family, teachers, coaches and neighbors — need to be in 'relational mode' and available, engaged and attuned to the child’s emotional needs."
Mind S.E.T.®--Self Talk, Empathy and Teach, the approach in Behavior Checker-- helps a child through struggles with frustration, adversity and emotions and teaches how to be a resilient, self-controlled, responsible, self-reliant, independent and respectful. In short, Mind S.E.T. helps build Safe, Stable, Nurturing Relationships by buffering adversity and building resilience.
A person who teaches a child how to cope with negative emotions, how to help her learn skills to overcome school challenges, how to be resilient in adverse situations, how to deal with frustration without violence, how to delay gratification and compromise…that’s what makes a person’s relationship with a child safe, stable and nurturing. This is how we prevent stress from becoming toxic stress.
A SSNR does not mean, however preventing children from all stress and adversity. Children will experience frustration as they struggle to learn. It does them no favor to prevent all frustration and struggles. Children can learn rules and boundaries, even when they don't want to be contained. These boundaries, however help them feel secure because life becomes predictable when you know how to navigate the world. Learning self-regulation can be frustrating, but frustrating isn't the same as experiencing chronic fear. Protecting children means guiding them to a solution that helps them learn how to solve a problem on their own.
The ultimate goal of a SSN adult-child relationship is to help that child become a self-controlled, independent, responsible, resilient. respectful adult who can grow up to teach a child to be the same…and so it goes.
What are the qualities of the relationship that is safe, stable and nurturing? And one that is not?
Safety, stability, and nurturing are three critical qualities of relationships and environments that make a positive difference in health, learning and behavior for children as they grow and develop.
Safety: The extent to which a child is free from fear and secure from physical or psychological harm within their social and physical environment.
Not safe: The child constantly feels on how alert in the presence of this person—the fight or flight response to the stress results from not trusting how this person will respond.
Stability: The degree of predictability and consistency in a child’s social, emotional, and physical environment.
Not stable: The child is on high alert because of constant change and chaos.
Nurturing: The extent to which children’s physical, emotional, and developmental needs are sensitively and consistently met.
Not nurturing: The child is shamed, blamed, put down, ignored, not listened to, unconditionally loved or emotionally available and engaged with by an adult.